I think you all may remember, The week before last I went up to Dayton, Ohio where most of my family lives. I love them very much and was so happy to see them and spend time with them. But they bring me down on myself. I know they don’t want to, I know they don’t realize what they are saying, or making me feel but it still doesn’t change the fact. Things they say,
- Too bad you look just like me! (is that suppose to be a compliment)
- You could of really been something ( also compliment or not?)
- Do the boys ever calm down?
- I wish you would come around more.
- I wish you didn’t HAVE to live in Georgia.
- when did Philip’s parents get to see the boys last.
- When you were younger I was the best parent (then describe what they would of done)
- when are you going back to work? “probably when Cooper is in school” Oh, so long huh?
- You sure do love to eat. (they would say this one every time I ate even if it was just an apple)
- Oh you don’t watch (insert TV show) “No I only watch a few shows and ones I think God would approve of.” humph silly
- and of course every last thing I do with the boys needs to be advised against and how to do it correctly….b/c I never do anything right.
I lived thinking of myself as nothing (b/c of such comments) for 20+ years, and still struggle with them. When negative commentary is coming at you non-stop for days it is really easy to start thinking of yourself as a useless nobody no matter how hard you try not to. During the last week I have been really down on myself b/c of this but I didn’t even realize that I was doing it. That’s how tricky negative commentary is, you can act like you don’t care, brush it off, but a lot of times it sticks in there and comes out as negative things in your life.
Things I have done over the past week to “improve” myself.
- make the boys do things they don’t want to do (b/c they need to be better)
- look for ways to get a job (that I don’t want)
- look for ways to go back to school (that we can’t afford)
- spend hours making lists of cons and pros
- spend days struggling against myself
- workout out three times a day (to the point of exhaustion)
- eat too much b/c I’m not thinking about what I’m eating
- scream too much
I am completely ashamed of this list! Especially the first one, b/c my boys are wonderful all on their own and don’t need to be forced into being something they are not. I am lucky to have a good church and family that pull me back together or I could of kept on this path of self-destruction for years and have in the past!
It has taken me 7 very long years to learn to appreciate me for me, that someone could love me for me. That I am special without being skinny, without being perfect, without being someone for my parents to show off about, without having some fancy career, without having perfect children. I came out special the day I was born, I will die special. My boys came out special the day they were born and that is all they will ever need to be for me. I think everyone is born special, different and with a purpose. Far be it for me to try and change myself (God’s creation) to what society wants me to be.
So as I pick myself up off my ass and get back into MY life and become who God wants me to be ( which for me is supporting my husband, raising my boys, and spreading God’s word), I scream You are Never Gonna Steal My Joy! Which is my God and living the life He made me for.
just like God made these adorable kids to dance! SO cute!
Does anyone ever bring you down?
Enjoy your day everyone!